Question of the Week

OK. Here as another question for you to pounder. This one actually came to me after talking with couples who had been widowed for a while and eventually remarried.

Stepfamily issues arise only when younger children or teens are involved. True or False.

As you consired this question, ask yourself why or why not is this situation different or not.

See you on Wednesday.

Response to Monday's "Question of the Week"

Alright. So now you've had a few days to think about my statement on Monday which was
"Stepfamilies are the same as nuclear families (never divorced and with no prior children from other relationships) True or False".

The answer is False. Here is why.

1. Stepfamilies are born out of a loss of dream, of a former relationship, of having both biological parents always together to raise and protect the children.


2. The relationship between the stepchildren and the stepparent is due to living arrangements or through the marriage of their parent. They are not blood related.


3. The children came before the relationship and have a previous history, the longer it is, the more complex it can be.


4. Family values differ from one family to another. This is especially so if two adults bring each their children with their sets of family values. Merging these values needs negotiation and patience.


5. In the nuclear family, ugly fairytale don't exist. Boy meets girl, fall in love in live happily ever after. In stepfamilies, the stepmother is always the evil one, hating her stepchildren and making their lives ever so miserable.

Understanding the differences in stepfamilies and nuclear families is the first step towards creating a harmonious and realistic family life.

If you have questions or comments about this post, I would love to hear about them. If you would like to know more about my 6 week stepfamily program, go to http://www.coachingsteps.com/

Question of the week

This is a new series that I am launching to help stepfamilies assess where they are and where they are going within their families. Everyday, I encounter husbands/wives, fathers/mothers and children thinking that they are going to do things differently, that they know what do differently this time. But press them a bit, by asking them what makes this relationship different, what is it exactly that they can do they seem to stumble and have to think about it some more before answering.

This weekly series is designed to help you think about what your beliefs are about stepfamily life and ways to help you get started in communicating to your family ways to improve.

Every Monday, I will post a true/false statement pertaining to couples and family issues, mostly in areas of stepfamily life. On Wednesday, I will post my advise to these issues as to why they are true or false and what steps you can take to start moving your life towards a more empowering and enriched family life.

So follow me here and share your ideas and thoughts on stepfamily issues. Together, we can make a difference not only in our own lives but in the lives of future families also.
This week's first statement is:
Stepfamilies are the same as nuclear families (never divorced and with no prior children from other relationships). True or False?

Come back on Wednesday to see what my response is to this statement. Have a great day.

Upcoming Teleseminar on Stepfamilies and Finance

Money is often a big issue in many families and this is so true when you're in a stepfamily/blended family. Why is this? Well for one, the money used to support one family is now used to support two, it is being stretched at times beyond the maximum. The lost of control on how that money is being spent is another issue that these families faces. Also, do you pull you money together or do you keep it separate? I invite you to join me on January 29th, at 7:30 pm (EST) for a one hour free teleseminar on Stepfamilies and finances (long distance charges may apply). I will share ideas and strategies to help you create a plan that works for you in your family.
For more details, go to www.coachingsteps.com/registerseminar/
Thank you and looking forward to seeing you then.
Claudette

What are you waiting for?

One thing that I hear over and over when talking about stepfamilies is people telling me "I wish I had known how (hard, difficult, different, rough, much work it involved) before we had gotten married. I don't think I would have gotten involved." My questions to you is "So how is it working at this moment?"

I am one of those people. I know that when I met my husband, I was so naive and full of good intentions, thinking that "I" was going to be better than the others. I was more willing, more dedicated, more whatever you want to add here. Well, I woke up and smelled the coffee. I am one that would have liked to have known more about marrying someone with children, dealing with the ex-spouse and finding support and understanding. But after being with my husband for 19 years and YES!!! working really hard at our relationship, I don't think I would have changed a single thing. WHY? Because I would not be the person I have become, neither would my husband or our kids.

We learned because of the experiences we lived. We got the help and knowledge to understand why we were going through stages that didn't make sense to us, because we had not lived in a stepfamily as we grew up. We didn't have family members supporting us because they didn't know what made us different from the traditional family. What helped us was that we believed in each other and wanted to make a difference in our lives and in our children's lives. We got books, tapes, conferences, seminars and counselors to get us through the hard times. We also learned to celebrate the good ones too.

I am so glad that we rode with the punches because now my husband's daughter, who will be getting married in May, won't need to worry about how her mom and stepmom will be acting in the same room at the wedding, or who she should have with her to help her choose her wedding dress,or who to turn to when she is feeling anxious. She has two moms (a bio mom and a step mom) to help her and doesn't need to choose because we each have our space in her life. And that, is what I call success in my stepfamily.

So what are you waiting for? Read my January Newsletter (it's free to sign-up- plus you will receive a BONUS report on "The Outsider Syndrom") where I talk about setting goals to help your create harmony and unity in your stepfamily.

Wishing you a great 2009

Well, first let me start by wishing you and your family a very Healthy and Prosperous 2009. I think that we all need this after the year that we just finished. But the good news is that now we get to start fresh with new ideas and goals to get us moving.

Talking about goals, I've just finish writing my Info Steps Newsletter which talks about how and why to get goals (rather than resolutions). If you're not registered (it's free), just come and visit my website at http://www.coachingsteps.com/ and sign up for my monthly newsletter. You will also receive a free report on how to deal with "The Outsider Syndrome".

This year will be an exciting year for us as we will be celebrating my stepdaughter's wedding in May. I will keep you posted on how organizing and participating in a wedding when you're in a steprelationship goes. Our vision is for it to go really great.

Again, Happy New Year 2009

Claudette

Best Stepmom Gift Ever

This is a story I wrote a few days ago for another post and thought it would be appropriate here. It is written with the permission and approval of my stepdaughter.

My stepdaughter Julie and I often were at odds with each other when she was in her teens. I felt we were competing for a place in the house and in my husband's life. It was really frustrating because in my head, I knew that there could never be competition between my husband's daughter and me because we both belong and had our place within this family. But still it was hard. It was even harder when she left for college and told us that she was so glad to leave this place and wasn't planning on coming back any time real soon. It broke my husband's heart but I felt I had failed as a stepmother. I kept wondering what I could have done better, said differently or if it was a good idea for me to have stayed around.

A year and a half later, Julie came over and said she wanted to talk to me. I thought that I was going to get another "You're not my mother", "I'm not ever coming back again" something. Instead, this young lady that had left our house very bitter and angry, came back to thank me for having been there for her and not giving up. She said she didn't know how anyone could do the job I did and get no thanks for it. Needless to say, I was balling my eyes out (a thing my kids enjoy doing to me). Never in my wilddess dreams had I thought that I would hear Julie thank me for being her stepmom. From that day on, my life and perspective changed about posibilities. I saw first hand that not giving up and visualizing the posibilities does create what you want. Thank you Julie for this beautiful life lesson.

Stepmom Claudette